Everyone and their mother (hehe*) has heard of attachment styles today, and specifically, I think most of us are acquainted with the insecure attachment style. I will get to the hehe in a minute. First, I’ve listed below the key indicators commonly associated with an “insecure attacher”, for those who don’t know what that is, those who want a refresher, or maybe for those who are about to discover for the first time that they are one:

• You want to be in a relationship and crave feelings of closeness and intimacy with a significant other, but you struggle to feel that you can trust or fully rely on your partner.
• Being in an intimate relationship tends to take over your life and you become overly fixated on the other person.
• You may find it difficult to observe boundaries, viewing space between you as a threat, something that can provoke panic, anger, or fear that your partner no longer wants you.
• A lot of your sense of self-worth rests on how you feel you’re being treated in the relationship and you tend to overreact to any perceived threats to the relationship.
• You feel anxious or jealous when away from your partner and may use guilt, controlling behavior, or other manipulative tactics to keep them close.
• You need constant reassurance and lots of attention from your partner.
• Others may criticize you for being too needy or clingy and you may struggle to maintain close relationships.

I cited these points from Attachment Styles and How They Affect Adult Relationships, and they are widely supported by other authoritative sources in the field. If this knowledge about attachment styles is, as I claim, fairly common knowledge, why do I want to discuss it?

Insecure Attachments In A Non-Romantic Context

The simple reason is that these dynamics are not being discussed in the context of a very commonly observed interpersonal relationship. Let’s focus on a major subset of the behaviors listed above. I’ve trimmed them down:

• You become overly fixated on the other person.
• You may find it difficult to observe boundaries, viewing space between you as a threat
• You tend to overreact to any perceived threats to the relationship
• You feel anxious or jealous and may use guilt, controlling behavior, or other manipulative tactics to keep them close
• You need constant reassurance and lots of attention
• Others may criticize you for being too needy or clingy

Am I crazy for thinking that we see all these behaviors in the average Indian household all the time? I am talking, of course, about the mother-son relationship: the root cause of numerous, unending dramas — in reel and in real life. Why are saas-bahu conflicts an infinite well of content to draw from? I believe the answer lies above. It is quite obvious that the cause for conflict is the man in the middle, or more specifically, the attachment to that man: the son. What drives it is likely the mother having an insecure attachment with her son. It is not uncommon to hear some variations of the following sentiments from a MIL, or even just a mother whose son is dating someone: “My son is mine and mine alone”, “You will never be more important than me in his life”, “I raised him, so he will always listen to me”, “My son will never love you like he loves me”. These conflicts are not new; a lot of us saw these growing up. I wouldn’t feel the need to talk about this, if the quotes I have written above were taken from poorly written TV soaps. Unfortunately, these are quotes I have seen and heard in real life.

Modern Times, Traditional Struggles

When I was in my early 20s, I naively believed that of course, all this MIL-son-DIL triangular conflict would change with our generation. Surely, there was no way people in my age bracket would still be dealing with these exact same issues, right? Riiight. This triangular conflict is as common as ever, even within the urban population. A lot of mothers continue to play dominant roles in the emotional lives of their sons. This relationship dynamic, while rooted in love and care, often teeters on the edge of being controlling, and sometimes falls all the way over. Despite the increased awareness of mental health, personal boundaries, and the importance of fostering independence, many Indian men still find themselves tethered to their mothers in ways that stifle their personal growth. The pressure to conform to traditional expectations, coupled with the fear of hurting or disappointing their mothers, can create a cycle of dependency that is difficult to break.

A very natural outcome of this cycle of dependency is the saas-bahu conflict. It’s why parents still insist that their son and daughter live with them after marriage: they feel they still have a degree of control over their son if they do, and will “lose him” if the young couple stays alone. It is why there is rarely an argument-free and resentment-free resolution when a young couple expresses their desire to live by themselves, and not with the boy’s parents. It is why there are continuous conflicts even when the couple does stay with the boy’s parents and the parents (mother) try to exert their control on the boy’s life and emotions, over simple shit like what clothes he wears on Diwali. Newsflash: Your son’s partner is not trying to replace you in his life. The last thing an adult woman wants is to become their partner’s mother. Just let them breathe, for god’s sake.

I used to think that education would solve this problem, but clearly that hope was misplaced. This conflict, I believe, arises from the aforementioned insecure attachment style that is rooted in psychology: something mere education cannot fix. There have been numerous studies undertaken on how an insecure attachment style affects romantic adult relationships. Perhaps there also needs to be some research into how they affect parent-child relationships. I am not qualified (yet) to discuss these in depth, but I believe the exploration of the parent-child dynamic and linking it to attachment styles is a promising area of research and therapy.

Conclusion

I don’t really have a conclusion to this blog post. Maybe this post is just an extended rant driven by recent incidents I heard. Maybe I am just sick and tired of the same thing happening to my family and friends, one after another. Maybe this is a global problem, and not just an Indian one — I have never been closely exposed to the familial dynamics in the rest of the world. Maybe there are other non-romantic interpersonal relationships where attachment styles have a similarly significant impact.

In any case, if you are reading this and you have kids or want to have kids, maybe it gives you some perspective and makes you introspect on the kind of attachment you have with them, and whether it is affecting other parts of their lives and yours.